Labels

Labels, Labels, and More Labels

Today I woke with my brain full of words. Thoughts were flowing at a flood stage. I think I’ll need to open a gate or 2 and let some of them out if I have any hope of accomplishing what I’d like to get done today.

Today, I'm pushing myself past my comfort zone. I'm pretty nervous. I am afraid of being judged or being looked at differently. But I'm going to take the risk and do this anyway because the world is hurting and part of that hurt is because we see too many negative, stigmatizing labels and we forget to see that we're people, not labels. This is a practice what I preach moment... so I'm taking a deep breath and here I go!

Life is stuffed full of labels. Much of my life has been spent advocating for the labeled. I hate labels. I’ve always looked at them from the point of how they stigmatize people. How they erase the person and slap a barrier up that blocks the world from seeing the amazing person behind that label. I've only thought of labels as a negative thing and didn't give a thought that we can have positive labels.

I am often good at spotting what a person’s label might be and trying to adapt how I do things to assist that person with the tools they need to live their life as well as they can. Many times I have shocked parents with the suggestion to have their child evaluated for certain things and when they did, they found my suspicions were true (most often autism). I always thought I was able to identify these challenges that children might be facing because I've been around people with those challenges and have learned the "warning signs". I never gave thought it might be more intuitive than that.

Before I move forward to the point about labels, I have to step back and tell you the story behind this story...

I’m someone who is usually stuffed full of hope. The past couple of years has found that hope slipping away. I landed in a very dark place. It’s possible that COVID accelerated the process. I like people, so all this distancing stuff isolates me. I’m a toucher and a hugger. That all stopped with COVID. 

The problem was, I was working so hard to be a beacon of light for others that I didn’t see the darkness that was seeking to take my soul from me. Last summer, an amazing group of people made the trip to my neighborhood to show me the results of a project they had worked on for a couple of years. It turned into an amazing day! 

It was a day filled with hugs, hugs, and more hugs. OMG, I was starving for hugs! We talked, laughed, cried, and ate good food. It was super hot out, the bugs were everywhere, and it tried to rain on us a few times. It couldn’t put an end to our day, a day of sharing. At sunset, we settled down to a drive-in-style movie we watched on a giant inflatable screen.

By the end of the film, my eyes became their own river and the tears flowed. I was so moved! The film was awesome. The message was liberating. The honesty was overwhelming. I knew I’d have to watch that movie a couple of more times to wrap my head around all that was in it.

But, a strange thing happened. I suddenly realized that I had no sense of my own value to the world. What made me aware of that? The credits at the end of the film. There is a list of “Thank-yous” and there it was… MY NAME! In print, for the world to see, someone valued what I had given them enough to put it up on the big screen, to be seen forever. Discovering you have value is a life-changing experience.

"Valued" would later become a label for me.

A repeat viewing of the film would give even more meaning to my story when I noticed my Mom’s name in the “In Memory” section in the credits of the film. To see her battles against her labels honored in such a meaningful way, giving further value to my need to help make the world a better place.

It was bittersweet to have to say goodbye to my friends, as they headed out to continue their journey to do their part to make the world a better place. I enjoyed a bit of self-pity, feeling sad knowing they live far away, and it could be a long time before we all see each other again. That stage of self-pity made me realize that a cloud of darkness had surrounded my heart. 

OK, back to the main topic: Labels...

It was time to talk to a professional. And then another. Finally, #3 was the perfect match for me. My involvement with this person has been liberating and I look forward to our sessions. Well, most of the time. Along with talking and working through the feelings and peeling away the darkness comes testing.

And then it was here. The full report. Black and white. The handing out of the labels I didn’t know I had. UGH! It’s like going through a grieving process! Denial, anger, and finally acceptance. I had labels. Ones I never saw in myself, even though I can see them in others.

It took my breath away. I didn’t tell a soul. 

A few days ago, I got brave enough to tell Matthew M. A couple of days after that, I told Aaron B. Why them? Because they are brave, accepting, and giving. Both of them get up every day and fight to make the world better. No matter what’s going on in their minds or bodies, they are warriors of goodness. They don’t live their lives by any negative labels, they manage their time and their energy to get done what they can get done every day.

Depression, ADD (the heart of my staying on-track issues, now called ADHD), and HFA (High Functioning Autism it used to be called Asperger's - the beginnings of my fitting in issues). The last one has been the hardest to accept. All of a sudden, the queen of label haters could see nothing but her new labels. (Update: Months later PTSD was added to the list)

And then came the revelation that I’m a river. There are many stones sticking out of my river and each one affects the flow of who I am. Sure, there’s a stone that’s Depression and another that’s ADD (well, ADD is like having a really big stone), and the stone that’s Autism's. It took me a few days to realize that my river also has many beautiful stones rising to glisten in the sunlight.

Finally seeing the river made me realize we all have labels. Many of them we are born with. They are a part of what makes us uniquely our own being, with no carbon copy anywhere. Each label is not WHO we are, they're just a stone that lays the foundation of the complete person.

So, I will add these new labels to the many labels I already have and never thought of as a label. Some of our labels are not a challenge, some are a gift. I am not only ADHD, Autism, PTSD, and Depression, I am kind, giving, big-hearted, funny, optimistic, enthusiastic, inquisitive, valued, loving, caring, strong, hopeful, fiercely loyal, a fighter for what is right, and of late - brave. I’m going to choose to move forward and not live by the "negative" labels. I’ll be aware of what they are and start using tools that will make the labels that cause challenges be less challenging, but I’m not going to focus on them.

I am me, I’ve always been me. I am what I was created to be. My identity comes from my heart and soul, not a collection of words on a piece of paper. Labels be damned, I am ready to greet another day.