A few days ago, I had a really bad day. I don't know if what I was going through has a name, so I'm calling it a brain storm. I described it to someone that it was like a machine gun in my head. The bullets were bad thoughts and emotions. FEAR, ANGER, SADNESS. It was like someone was pulling the trigger and wouldn't let go. Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, it was an endless assault. When my head got too full it started coming out of my eyes. I couldn't stop crying. I shed tears for hours. I'd sort of calm and then it would start all over again. I was a hot mess.
I felt out of control. I went through episodes of my heart pounding, my hands shaking, and breaking out in a sweat. I'd start feeling short of breath and dizzy. I tried to relax and it would get a little better and then BOOM another wave of it came over me. This went on for several hours. I felt very needy. I was alone and didn't want to be.
I've never experienced this before and I hope I never do again. It was unpleasant and overwhelming. I'm starting to think this might have been stress related. The day before had been a long, hard day, because my husband had issues with his COPD. He struggled to breathe all day. I left work and went home to be with him because he started to panic and it made his breathing worse. I spent the day trying not to look or act worried so he'd relax. It isn't fun to watch someone you love struggle to breathe! While this was going on, my adult son (who has an "unspecified social disorder" which is now believed to be autism) had a meltdown. His girlfriend had never experienced one of those and so, I was on the phone helping them through that. My son, who's already had 2 heart attacks started having chest pains in the middle of everything going on...
The good news is my son wasn't having a heart attack, his meltdown ended, and by evening my husband was breathing better. We had survived another day of health issues, many smoking related. We're a family of people who used to smoke.
The health issues of my loved ones is nothing new. We've dealt with them for years. I don't know if them happening on the same day was the trigger for my bad day, but I'm starting to think it was. The only thing that was different that day is that once I went home in the morning, I didn't vape again until I left home the next day, the day I woke up with the storm already raging in my head.
As I tried to work through my bad day, I vaped constantly. I found it helpful to try to verbalize to a couple of people that I wasn't OK (Thanks Charles and Cami!) which was like opening a faucet and just letting the ick pour out. Later that day a switch flipped and suddenly all the weird thoughts and feeling were gone. The storm was over.
Maybe the depression I've battled this past year made me more prone to the brain storm. Maybe I self medicate with nicotine more than I thought. Maybe my autism put me in some kind of weird sensory overload. I don't know. What ever was going on that day, I'm grateful I've reached a point in my life where I finally feel safe to tell people I'm not OK. I hope that part of this sinks in for you, it's OK to tell someone you're not OK. Don't be afraid.
Those of you who are accepting and safe to talk to are a life line to people like me. Thank-you for being there.
P.S. Many years ago, I was really good at being young and stupid. I liked to party and I did too much of it. How I came out of my youth and escaped becoming addicted to alcohol or drugs is beyond me. One day, I just decided not to do those things and walked away from them. Didn't touch either for over 20 years. Now, I might drink 1 or 2 beers a year, and that's enough for me.
Smoking cigarettes are a different story. It was a struggle for many years to stop smoking. I tried every method known to man. I became a professional at failing to quit smoking. I finally quit trying to quit. When I started vaping in 2014 it was because I could do it in places that I couldn't smoke. 4 months later, I realized I had accidently quit smoking. I remain smoke free to this day.
But, I miss smoking and there are still times in my life where I want to smoke. Stressful and emotional times are the worst for having an urge to smoke. It amazes me that when I had that really bad day, it never once crossed my mind to have a cigarette! 6 years smoke free, and the first time I had a bad day and didn't want a smoke!
Many think that people who vape to quit smoking should also strive to quit vaping. For people who want to do that, I fully support that goal. I think people like me have a need for the nicotine, both in their brains and to prevent relapse to smoking. I wish more people would understand and support that. I function better with nicotine in my system. I also function better with coffee in my system.
Some people have a glass of wine or a beer everyday, and society doesn't have an issue with people using that drug of choice. I hope someday, society will also accept the use of safer forms of nicotine. People like me could use the world judging us on one less thing.
I started on COPD Herbal treatment from Ultimate Life Clinic, the treatment worked incredibly for my lungs condition. I used the herbal treatment for almost 4 months, it reversed my COPD. My severe shortness of breath, dry cough, chest tightness gradually disappeared. Reach Ultimate Life Clinic via their website at www.ultimatelifeclinic.com . I can breathe much better and It feels comfortable!
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