Bridging Walls

How often have you felt angry when someone calls you a name or accuses you of being a troll just because you disagreed with them? Have you been called a bot, accused of having a financial conflict of interest, or some other ad hominem attack against you, derailing the conversation from the issue at hand? Have you had someone make fun of you, belittle you, and put you in the position of having to defend yourself instead of staying on the topic of dissent? How do you react? Should you back away from the "fight" or lash out in an "eye for an eye" fashion? Do you maintain a cool head and steer the discussion back to the topic?

Several people listened to "How the FDA is addressing vaping and e-cigarettes," a live broadcast on WAMU. The guests were Dorian Fuhrman, Mitch Zeller, and Cliff Douglas. The panel represented a concerned parent (a co-founder of PAVe), worried about youth vaping, and 2 veterans in the fields of public health and tobacco control. 

The first thing that struck me was that a perspective was missing from the panel. There wasn't anyone who vaped or the concerned parent of a child who smoked. The voices of people who vape and parents of children who smoke are often missing in these conversations. It frustrates me. Don't their voices matter to the rest of society? I tried to listen to the discussion with an open mind. I must admit, that's very hard to do. I am biased because my son smoked, and smoking harmed him. I smoked for over 40 years. After failing to quit smoking countless times, vapor products helped both of us quit smoking.

I mostly agreed with the things said by Cliff Douglas. I sometimes agreed with the things said by Mitch Zeller, and I strongly disagreed with most of the things said by Dorian Fuhrman. It was hard not to instantly think of her as a liar with evil intentions. However, I know this isn't a fair way to react to someone I disagree with. 

Disagreeing on topics that are important and remaining open-minded and civil is hard. It was interesting watching the comments on Twitter about the show. Very few were in the middle. A vivid reminder of how passionate all sides are about vaping. Some felt the hosts leaned too heavily on the anti-vaping side as they read viewers' remarks. The most significant outrage I heard by people I know was over statements made by Dorian Fuhrman and a viewer comment by another mom from the same organization as Dorian. 

Months ago, I wrote about how we need to change the conversation. I look at how folks disagreeing with the PAVe moms talk about them on Twitter. Calling them "Karen," making fun of them for drinking wine, accusing them of accepting "Bloombucks," ridiculing their lifestyle and their children. 

Is it any wonder that the PAVe moms think we're a bunch of bullies, obnoxious, and rude trolls who don't give a shit about kids? The best some of us have to offer is that "they should learn how to parent their kids and leave the rest of us alone." So many of us are angry because those PAVe moms won't listen to us, look at the science, and don't seem to care that these products are saving adult lives. Why would they? Do any of us listen to people who treat us this way?

I'd bet money I know how some people will react to this. We're going to embrace the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" mentality. Because they don't listen to us, are wrong in our view, and are trying to ban things we believe save lives. So why the hell should we be nice to them? 

Maybe we need to listen first, acknowledge people's concerns, and then ask to be listened to. No one will hear anyone else while we're all shouting insults!

A few years ago, I was at a city council meeting waiting to testify against a tobacco 21 ordinance. An elderly lady got up to speak. She was a volunteer with one of the health organizations. I'm sure my blood pressure went up 50 points as I listened to her talk. I tossed my speech, got up, and tried to debunk everything she said in the 3 minutes I was allowed to testify. Her blood pressure probably went up an equal amount. She spoke to me outside after the meeting as she was sure I worked for big tobacco and was trying to addict kids. I invited her out for coffee. I asked her to tell me her story. Her husband smoked and died from lung cancer. She started volunteering to spare other people from experiencing her pain. She believed nicotine was the thing that caused harm. I then told her my story. She is still a champion against youth use of any nicotine product. Yet, she understands the importance of safer alternatives for adults who smoke.

A friend asked me to speak to a mom with a teenage son who was vaping. He told her he was addicted and couldn't stop. Our first couple of conversations were unpleasant as she mostly yelled at me. After she'd had the opportunity to express her anger, frustration, and fear for the welfare of her son, I finally got to tell her about my son. It took us a few tries before both of us could keep our emotions in check and talk mom to mom. Due to listening to her and asking questions, it became apparent that her son started vaping because his friends were. Later he transitioned to self-medicating with nicotine. I encouraged her to have her son tested for ADHD. They did, and he does have ADHD. He was vaping high nicotine products. I referred her to a quit vaping program designed for youth. He no longer vapes. She still feels strongly about youth vaping. She also understands how important these products can be for people who smoke and the deadly consequences when people don't stop smoking.

 

Are the PAVe moms evil liars or standing their ground because they believe they are doing a good thing and protecting kids? Did they make up what they say, or do they repeat information received from those they think are trustworthy sources? Are we angry with the right people?  

What will we accomplish if we continue to troll and harass the PAVe moms? Will they ever talk to us? Will they ever listen? I think it's human nature to get defensive when people are rude to us. I believe some of our behavior towards the PAVe moms and our comments are cruel and immature. I don't believe we will ever accomplish changing any minds this way. I think we need to find a way to disagree more respectfully. I think we need to continue to extend an invitation for all of us to sit down at the same table and do our absolute best for kids and for anyone who smokes. 

Sometimes I find myself angry that moms like the ones in PAVe have a stronger voice in society than moms like me. Their wealth and higher status in powerful circles give them an in with the media and policymakers. While they get a seat at the table for Congressional hearings and with the President, consumers who smoked don't (that includes moms like me!). It's not fair, but it's not the fault of the PAVe moms. If any of us had that type of prestige, we'd use it to fight for tobacco harm reduction, just like they use it to fight to protect kids they feel are in danger.

I'll leave you with one final thought for those who think these women are awful parents. My husband and I smoked when our son was born and smoked until he was almost 30. We talked to him about smoking and encouraged him to never start. That's very hypocritical as we're puffing away. He started smoking when he was 18. At 29, he had his first heart attack, and at 35, he had a second one. Smoking has almost killed him twice. When he started smoking, I did nothing to encourage him to quit. When he was broke, I bought cigarettes for him. I failed in my forever duties as his mom to do everything in my power to encourage him to make better choices and to protect him.

I don't think you'll find any PAVe moms buying their kids cigarettes or vapor products. I will never again say that they should learn to parent. It looks to me like maybe I could learn a thing or two from them. It doesn't mean I endorse the prohibitions they are asking for. It does mean I understand wanting to do as much as possible for kids.                                                                                                              People seem to have lost their ability to find balance and seek common ground. It appears to me that we have 2 choices. We can continue to build walls and remain divided, or we can start building bridges to close the gap that divides us.